Guest post by JT Tran
It’s the worst kept secret that, in the Western world, it’s much more difficult for Asian men to learn how to be more attractive to women. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t stem from the internalized racist belief that Asian masculinity is in any way inferior, but the effect of institutional racist systems where statistics do show that more than 90% of non-Asian women exclude Asian men.
But here’s the thing, YOU have the power to change your reality. You don’t have to let the media get in your head. You don’t have to let past experiences dictate what your relationship status looks like. You can date and have meaningful relationships with any woman you want, be she Asian, black, Latina or white.
Like many Asian American men who don’t fit into the Eurocentric standard of male beauty, I had to learn how to be more attractive to woman. I’m only 5’5′ tall, which is short for a man in the Western world. The online dating website, eHarmony, booted me out because I was too analytical and cerebral. My first kiss didn’t happen until I was 20 years old. I could have let that turn me bitter, but instead it motivated me to learn how to become my best, most confident self, and now I’m the world’s #1 Asian Dating Coach.
And I’ve learned how to replicate my romantic success with others. I’ve taught students how to be more attractive to women in spite (or because) of being short and Asian. My students have all started dating beautiful women of all races. And many times they’ve gotten married and have even started a family (Many of my students have invited me to their weddings). I dare say many of my students struggle with similar challenges as you do.
So if THEY can do it, YOU can do it.
Society’s Perspective On Asian Men
But look there’s no denying the fact that stereotypes against Asian men are very real. People see us as weak, nerdy, foreign or effeminate. People see us as either Bruce Lee or a Chinese food delivery man. In layman’s terms, nobody sees Asian men as masculine, confident, or attractive. It doesn’t mean we Asian men AREN’T attractive, but rather Western society has made us APPEAR unattractive to women.
And it’s true that Asian women have similar qualities. But because that fits into the Western ideal of beauty because women are much more desirable when they act feminine. Hence Asian women are both elevated and objectified in the Western world (this is called Asian Fetishization). Unfortunately, those traits in a man are a turn-off in terms of Western masculine beauty. And this is why so many women find Asian men unattractive.
Even Asian women are refusing to date Asian men. In fact, 40% of Asian women refused to date Asian men whereas less than 10% of Asian men stated they would not date an Asian woman (At least in the initial stages like first impressions on online dating sites).
The dating problem for Asian men got even worse when COVID or “The China Virus” first broke out. Hate crimes against Asians skyrocketed including verbal, social and physical attacks. That’s how people saw Asian people: as walking diseases. And that was the lowest point for Asian men. On top of having all those stereotypes, people now saw us as walking diseases who didn’t deserve to live much less socialize, romance, and love their daughters and be part of their families.
10 Ways Asian Men Can Learn How To Be More Attractive To Women
So in the USA, it is tougher for Asian men to be successful in dating (not all Asian men obviously, but for a lot of us). And I get that it’s much more tempting to throw in the towel and accept whatever you’re given as your reality (Unfortunately, Asian men are 35% likely to be unpartnered as opposed to Asian women at 18%). But this statistic doesn’t have to be you.
In fact, here are 10 things you need to do right now if you want to improve your dating life if you learn how to be more attractive to women:
1) Embrace Your Asian Male Identity
Asian men are often raised to value education and career success, leading them to tie their identity to their achievements and material possessions. While these traits can be attractive (Asian men on average earn 117% more money than the average White man), they can also lead to being viewed as a “human wallet” by women.
To learn how to be more attractive to women, Asian men should explore their identity beyond their career and net worth. Finding unique interests and hobbies, such as K-pop, live music, fashion, or athletics, can make them stand out and showcase their individuality. Additionally, these interests can provide a deeper sense of self-worth beyond work and material possessions.
As an Asian man, embracing your culture is a great way to show confidence and pride in who you are. Many Asian cultures have rich traditions and customs that can be shared and celebrated with others. This can range from learning music, dance, martial arts, cooking, or even language. Sharing your culture with others can be a great conversation starter and showcase your unique background. It also allows you to connect with other people who share the same culture and build a sense of community.
Additionally, embracing your culture can also be a way to challenge stereotypes and break the mold of what it means to be an Asian man. Society often has limited and limiting views of Asian men, and by embracing your culture, you can showcase the diversity and complexity of the Asian identity. It also sends a message of self-love and self-acceptance, which can be very attractive to others.
So what I advocate is for Asian men to go out there and find other interests and styles. It could be K-pop, art, sports or learning how to play music. It could mean suiting up or taking up athletics and dressing athletically. The point is to find interests and styles outside of work so you have other identities which make you unique to women.
2) Give Yourself Permission To Date Outside Your Race
Allowing yourself to date outside of your race can open up a whole new world of dating opportunities. Many Asian men are raised with the belief that they should only date within their own race, which can limit their experiences and perspectives. By giving yourself permission to explore relationships with people of different races, you can learn about different cultures and broaden your understanding of the world. It also allows you to break free from traditional expectations and forge your own path.
However, it is important to keep in mind that dating outside of your race can come with its own set of challenges, especially if you come from a traditional family. It’s important to communicate openly with your family about your choices and to be understanding of their perspectives. Additionally, it’s important to remember to be respectful and considerate of your partner’s culture and experiences. Ultimately, the most important thing is to follow your own feelings and desires, as long as it does not harm yourself or others.
3) Ignore Hollywood And All Negative Media
It can be difficult to ignore the negative stereotypes and portrayals of Asian men in Hollywood and media, but it is important to remember that these are not an accurate representation of reality. A simple way to start is by cutting out TV and limiting your exposure to these harmful messages. When we watch TV, we become desensitized to the messages and start to believe everything we see and hear, even if it is not true.
Another way to limit exposure to negative portrayals is by avoiding online spaces that propagate harmful stereotypes. This includes incel or white dominated manosphere groups on platforms like Reddit, 4Chan, and the like which often contain racist, sexist and misogynistic rhetoric. These groups can be toxic and can lead to internalizing harmful beliefs (i.e. Only muscular Asian who act Caucasian can be successful with women) about oneself. It’s important to surround yourself with positive and diverse perspectives, and that includes being selective about the online communities you engage with.
Instead of watching TV or engaging in negative online spaces, try finding other ways to spend your free time that are more fulfilling and positive, such as socializing, exercising, or spending time on creatively and emotionally stimulating activities like community and charity work. It’s not easy and it will take time and effort, but it’s worth it in the long run. By cutting out negative media, you’ll find yourself feeling more positive and confident in yourself.
4) Get Involved In Physical Activities
Physical activity is a great way to improve your overall health and well-being, both physically and mentally. It can be anything from going to the gym, practicing martial arts, running, or taking a brisk walk. The key is to move your body and maintain an active lifestyle. Not only does it improve your state of mind, but it also improves your body language and energy level, making you more attractive to women.
Exercising has many benefits, such as improving your state of mind and releasing endorphins, which can make you feel better and more confident. Additionally, regular physical activity can increase your sexual market value to women by improving your body language, posture, and overall physical appearance. This can make you more attractive and confident in social interactions, especially when it comes to dating.
Unfortunately, many Asian men struggle with physical activity and have poor body language, which can contribute to the stereotype of Asian men being weak and effeminate. However, this can be improved with consistent effort and commitment to physical activity.
It’s important to note that physical activity should not be focused on conforming to Eurocentric standards of male beauty, which over-emphasize muscular development. Also, it is not necessary to internalize the racist belief that Asian men have to look and act more white to be attractive. Each person has their own unique characteristics and beauty. The focus should be on feeling good about yourself, developing a healthy lifestyle and feeling good in your own skin.
It’s also important to note that when you first start working out, you may not see immediate results. But you will notice an immediate change in your mood and mental state, which can lead to physical changes over time. So don’t give up, stay consistent, and focus on how you feel, not just how you look.
5) Improve Your Sexual Market Value Like Your Fashion Sense
Some Asian American men often struggle with fashion and hairstyle, which can negatively impact their sexual market value. However, it is important to remember that fashion and style is something that can be improved upon. Improving your fashion sense can make you appear more attractive and confident in social interactions, especially when it comes to dating.
One simple way to improve your fashion sense is to start with your haircut. A bowl cut can make you appear stereotypical and outdated, especially in a Westernized country. Consider a hairstyle that is modern and versatile such as a fauxhawk. It strikes a balance between looking fresh, unique and interesting versus a two block cut which automatically sets you up as foreign born.
Another key aspect of fashion is clothing. It’s important to invest in clothes that fit well and are tailored to your body. This can make a big difference in how you look, and can make a $40 suit look like a $1000+ suit. It’s also important to pay attention to color and to add a pop of color to your wardrobe. This can make you stand out and appear more unique, without looking strange.
It’s important to note that improving your fashion sense doesn’t mean you have to break the bank buying designer clothes. It’s more about finding clothes that fit well and flatter your body shape, and experimenting with different styles and colors.
And most importantly, it’s important to avoid the belief that one has to conform to Eurocentric standards of beauty, which may not always be the best fit for Asian men. You can go for a KPop look, or suited up, or athletic, or even badboy. The point is to not limit yourself but rather to identify and embrace the best sexual Asian masculinity for you in order to learn how to be more attractive to women.
6) Go Out And Meet Women Both In The Daytime And Nighttime
For Asian men, going out and socializing with women in real-life settings can be incredibly beneficial in overcoming stereotypes and improving their dating prospects. One of the key advantages of approaching women in real-life is that it allows you to overcome the stereotypes that are often associated with Asian men, such as being seen as meek or unconfident. By putting yourself out there and interacting with women in person, you can demonstrate your confidence and show that you are not limited by these stereotypes.
Another benefit of approaching women in real-life is that it can help improve your social skills so you learn how to be more attractive to women. Meeting and interacting with women in different environments, such as during the day or at night, can help you develop a variety of social skills that will come in handy when it comes to dating. This can include learning how to read social cues, how to make small talk, and how to build connections with people.
Additionally, by going out and socializing in real-life, you are also increasing your dating pool. You will have more opportunities to meet women, which can increase your chances of finding someone you are interested in. By putting yourself in different environments and social settings, you will also be exposed to different types of women, which can help you find someone who is a good match for you.
It’s important to remember that both daytime and nighttime approaches have their pros and cons, and it’s best to approach with a holistic mindset. By approaching women in different scenarios, you’ll become more confident and less hesitant in approaching women in the future. Additionally, it’s important to not go out with the sole intention of finding “the one”, but rather to have fun and enjoy the process of meeting new people and expanding your social circle.
7) If You’re Self-conscious Of Your Accent, Consider Taking Accent Reduction Classes
If you’re an Asian man who was born in Asia, it’s likely that you speak with an accent. While this is out of your control, it can sometimes lead to communication difficulties and misunderstandings. Unfortunately, there are some stereotypes associated with certain Asian accents, such as being considered unattractive or even effeminate, like the Vietnamese accent being so tonal and “sing-songy.” I say this as a Vietnamese American myself and I understand the stereotypes that racists levy against us.
However, it’s important to note that other Asian accents might be considered neutral or even attractive. If you feel that your accent is holding you back in social or professional settings, or if you feel that people are having trouble understanding you, you may want to consider taking accent reduction classes.
Many students I have coached have reported significant improvement in their accent after taking classes, and have gone from having a noticeable accent to sounding like native speakers in a short period of time. This can be especially beneficial if you are in a long-term interracial relationship, where communication and understanding can play a crucial role.
REMEMBER: Accent reduction classes are NOT about changing who you are or your identity. They are about helping you communicate more effectively and reduce any potential barriers that may exist due to your accent. If you’re self-conscious about your accent and want to learn how to be more attractive to women, accent reduction classes may be a great option for you.
8) Partake in American Hobbies & Pop Culture To Understand And Relate To It
This point is particularly relevant for foreign-born Asians, but it can also apply to all Asians. One of the most important things you can do is to explore and find other interests besides your career or social bubble. This can include hobbies such as wine tasting, joining theater classes, attending music festivals, watching comedy shows or joining meet-up groups and meeting new people. The key is to find activities that align with your interests and passions.
Participating in common hobbies, watching popular TV shows and pop culture is a great way to learn more about the American zeitgeist and to better understand the perspective of those around you. It’s easy to get caught up in your own bubble, especially as an Asian man who may face discrimination in Western society. But, it’s crucial to remember that not everyone discriminates against Asian men and by staying open-minded and learning about other cultures, you’ll become a more interesting and attractive person.
Additionally, by engaging with American groups and pop culture, you’ll be able to relate to others more easily, making it easier to form connections and build relationships so you can learn how to be more attractive to women. You’ll also be able to better understand the perspectives of those around you, which can help to reduce any potential misunderstandings or cultural barriers.
Embracing other cultures doesn’t mean you need to give up your own identity. Instead, it’s about understanding different perspectives, which will ultimately make you a more well-rounded and adaptable person. So, go out there and try new things, meet new people, and expand your understanding of the world around you.
9) Learn To Be More Emotionally Expressive
This is also something Asian men universally struggle with. It’s known as the Asian poker face. But don’t mistake learning to be more emotionally expressive means you have to become overly dramatic or fake a smile. It’d doesn’t.
It’s about finding a balance and learning to express your emotions in a way that feels authentic to you. By being more expressive with your body language and facial expressions, you’ll come across as more approachable, open, and confident. This can help you build deeper connections with others and make it easier to connect with potential partners.
One way to start being more expressive is to pay attention to your body language. Make sure to maintain good posture, make eye contact, and use open gestures. You can also practice smiling more, even if it feels unnatural at first. Smile at strangers, friends, and family. The more you practice, the more natural it will become.
Another way to become more expressive is to start expressing your emotions verbally. Share your thoughts and feelings with those around you. This can be difficult for those who are used to bottling up their emotions, but with practice, it will become easier. Remember, expressing your emotions is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength and vulnerability. It allows others to connect with you on a deeper level and builds trust.
In short, learning to be more emotionally expressive can help you break out of the Asian poker face stereotype and build deeper connections with others, including potential partners. It’s not an easy task, but with practice and patience, you can improve your emotional expressiveness and become a more attractive and approachable person.
10) Get An Asian Dating Coach To Teach You How To Be More Attractive To Women
If you’re serious about making a change in your dating life and want to overcome the challenges that come with being an Asian man in the dating world, consider working with an Asian Dating Coach.
A coach who understands the unique struggles you face and can guide you through the process of improving your dating skills and confidence so you learn how to be more attractive to women. With a coach, you’ll have someone to hold you accountable and provide you with the tools and strategies you need to succeed.
Not only can a coach help you take action, but they can also help you learn a skill that will stick with you for life. It’s an investment in yourself that can be truly life-changing.
JT Tran was voted USA’s #1 Asian Dating Coach and is a former NASA rocket scientist. Nowadays, he coaches in the fields of confidence, dating and leadership and has lectured in the hallowed halls of Harvard, Yale, University of Pennsylvania, University of Chicago, Northeastern and Rutgers as well as appearing on NBC, ABC, Fox, Nightline, BBC, Playboy, GQ and much more. As a frequent college speaker and life coach around the world addressing the fight against racism and discrimination, he helps Asian men become more successful, confident, outgoing, and attractive through his company the ABCs Of Attraction.
*The above post is owned by JT Tran and may not be republished or copied without consent from the writer.